Before the journey, and fear, and rediscovery

Every journey starts in the mind, in the imagination. Big journeys,
life-changing journeys, have often been brewing in there for a long time.
In my case; years. When I tell people about my upcoming trip they are happy
and supportive for a moment, but then they move on to whatever task is at hand.
They don't feel the rusty cogs inside me just beginning to turn anew,
all the emotions that almost feel like sense memories. I used to do this,
I used to be this person - the unafraid Vagabond. Where did she hide all these years?

People keep telling me; You're turning 40? You seem/look/act younger!
But do I, really? Isn't it just the case that life gets in the way at some point?
It wears us down, makes us suppress parts of ourselves. Sometimes vital parts.
A faraway friend told me something the other day that stuck with me.
It had nothing to do with travels, but all to do with loving yourself,
about accepting yourself - and rocking it, whatever you do. In the same vein,
I have this little card stuck to my bathroom mirror, it roughly translates to:
You should give/feed the body something nice, to make the soul want to reside in it.

So I am making the leap, taking the trip, going the distance
- even though it scares the current me to death. Because the old me is laughing!
Curiously, she has been in charge of several things lately, things I didn't even know
I still had in me. But she is pretty smart and she trusts her gut,
so I'm gonna let her take the reins on this one. Who knows where it will lead us!


Movie quick hits 2017

I Don't Feel At Home In This World Anymore - Actual normal people in a good dramedy!

The Big Sick - Dude doesn't have an animated face, but it is actually really moving.

The Mummy -  Another stupid Tom Cruise-and-younger-woman (women) movie.

Rough Night - Starts off kind of  'meh' but actually gets better, funnier and sweeter.

Beauty and the Beast - Exact copy of the animated 90's movie.

Logan - Good, obviously, but a little depressing. Would love to see more of  X-23.

Annabelle: Creation - Very much like previous ghost movies in the franchise.

It comes at Night - NOTHING comes at night. Seriously. Bad marketing and title.

Wonder Woman - Kick-ass super hero, good story, lame ass villain.

Alien: Covenenant - All about David, but I do love all Alien movies, big time.

Before I Fall - Hmm. Only watch if you're bored, or a 16-year-old girl.

The Great Wall - Expect Hollywoodified Asian fantasy. It basically sucked.

A Cure for Wellness - Interesting. Stylish. Confusing. Then what..why..? Stupid.

Personal Shopper - Most boring movie of the year. And that's not saying much.


Backstory, and a new story

I used to have a genuine interest in people. I loved to converse with anyone,
experience their brains at work. I took psychology at Uni, years of it actually.
But then life happened. Feeling and experiencing Everything. All the time.
as we Borderlines are wont to do, takes its toll. I needed to somehow distance myself
from the world, but mostly - people. Being an extroverted misanthropist is...complicated.

 That's how I ended up out in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere.
It was the only way to feel remotely safe. But - and really, I always knew this
- I don't want to feel safe. I want something exciting, something to turn my emotions on,
however crazy. Yes, living with this disorder can be hell sometimes, but I have created
some kind of amoeba-like bare existence for myself these past 10 years,
and I can safely say - it sucks. Balls.

Since 5 months back I have a job working for and with both colleagues and strangers,
I have several responsibilities and times to keep - and so far I'm doing quite well.
Turns out; I don't actually suck at everything. I don't have strange melt-downs,
I don't go off on aggressive customers, and I am pretty good at office relations.
The lesson here is obviously: You are your own worst enemy.

Yes, I still have anxiety and insomnia, and no, I won't ever be the sunny girl.
But, I am always evolving, learning new (or old) things about myself and others.
Experiencing the recent upheaval in my employment has taught me that:
1. I actually really like my job, and 2. I deal pretty well with change.
Had you asked me a couple of months ago, I probably wouldn't have said either one.

I want to send a special 'Thank you' to blog friends who keep sharing
through your most difficult moments, inspiring and supporting me
when I feel the need to do so myself, making me push through
my insecurities to stay true. You guys are my True North.


The Darkling Tag

A week ago I was generously tagged by a lovely dark friend, for The Darkling Tag.
Thank you, Franny, for thinking of me! So without further ado:

  • What is your favourite candle scent? We suck at scented candles in Sweden, but from what I've gathered so far it's usually something wintery spicy with a hint of vanilla.
  • Do you have a favourite book? A few, but the one that still lingers for its beautiful yet Spartan prose is 'Catching Shellfish between the Tides'
  • Are you a tea or coffee person? Both. I have a large vanilla latte every morning, but I drink fruity tea all through the day.
  • What is your favourite perfume/cologne? I don't wear perfume, but like with everything else I tend to lean towards spicy vanilla scents.
  • Do you have a celebrity crush? OMG, I had so many in my younger years - Patrick Swayze, Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves... But right now? Hmm, not really.
  • If you could change your name to a stereotypical 90s/2000s gothy name, what would it be? I can't claim to ever really have been a true goth, and Swedish names are just so un-goth ;) Though I always liked the hippie names, like Rain or Autumn.
  • What are your top three tips for surviving hot weather while black clad? We get very little hot weather, thankfully. But even then I'm always the one seeking the shade, never going to the beach - and SUNSCREEN ON NOSE.
  • What song always makes you happy (doesn’t have to be a goth band?) I am a clinically depressed person so you would think that's a hard one but I have a few; I can see clearly now (Johnny Nash). Start Wearing Purple (Gogol Bordello). Trouble (Pink). Single Ladies (Beyonce)
  • Are you active in the arts (eg. Play an instrument, paint, write, etc)? Yes, I call it 'fidgeting' - when you keep your hands busy with creative things - sewing, painting stuff (not canvas), gluing stuff (that's a big one).
  • What is your number one non-gothy hobby? Hmm, gardening?

Thought Provokers:
  • If you could be a supernatural creature, what would it be and why? SUCCUBUS, obviously. I'm a violent, feminist, vengeful and terribly sad creature.
  • What horror monster-bases super power would you have? I always wanted to be invisible, then to be able to morph into any person, like Mystique. But then I heard someone say 'teleporting' and I thought of all the horrible people I could sneak assassin... No. No, I didn't say that.
  • Do you feel confident or comfortable interacting with other Goths or gothy people (online or irl)? Why or why not? Always. I am mostly uncomfortable with the deeply "well adjusted" delusional (and often religious) people. Anything else is welcome in my world, and I am happy to learn from them.
  • Is there something you wish there was more of in your subculture? I have always felt very much alone in just being...well, me. I was a part of a fabulously angry group of feminists once, but with time, circumstance and death, we scattered to the winds. Since then I have had a really hard time finding a 'place' for me. I guess I miss the quirky, bold, intelligent, emotional, well-read and yet single, strong, crazy, adventurous women we were. I will never be a wife and a mother.
  • Care to share an embarrassing story related to your “darkliness”? Never had one, because I never went beyond the imposed limits on appearance. Though I have been called a crazy communist, feminist, lefty several times. But I take that as a compliment.
  • How are you at DIY? Are we talking outfits or interior design - or civil unrest? I would say I'm pretty good at all of them.

Confessional (aka True or False):
  • I love watching cheese romance films. False. No, not really.
  • I ALWAYS remember to wash off my makeup at night. True. Yes, I have terribly dry skin.
  • I sleep with plushies. False. No.
  • I wear non-black pyjamas most nights. Hmm, black, grey, purple.
  • I think Andrew Eldrich is overrated. Don't know who he is.
  • I don’t like vampires. False. I still love vampires.
  • I don’t like clubs. False. I wish there had been more to choose from when I was younger, and I still wish for that. Actually just heard of a club for 50+ opening in my hometown and though; "Wow, great!"
  • I don’t enjoy graveyards. Graveyards in Sweden pretty much suck, but in other places they are beautiful. So I'm neither here nor there.
  • Blood makes me queasy. No, but seeing an open gash in someone I love actually makes me faint, as I learned the hard way.
  • I’d sooner faint than pet a spider. I'd go either way on that too.
  • I don’t like haunted houses. False. I LOVE them.
  • I’ve never read Dracula. False. HAHA, false. Read it several times.
  • I think “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” is a long and boring song. Unfortunately I don't think I know it. Suddenly I feel very un-hipster.

I am supposed to tag fellow darklings now and what I will do is tag fellow country-women
and neighbors; Linnea på Landet, Lesthi and Daughter of a Jaded Era. 

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