A green and crafty Jul

Last week I was feeling pretty low and I had to miss out on
Sarah's Christmas countdown. But this week I have shaped up a bit
and I thought I would show you some of the things I have been making.
(If you follow me on Instagram you may already have seen some of these).

It was touch and go for a while where I would be celebrating Jul this year,
since my brother's family is going to Florida and visiting Disney World.
My parents were more worried about me feeling lonely (hanging out only
with them) than I was - even though I reassured them several times
that having a little kitten in the house was all the entertainment I needed.

But after some drama (mom kind of wanted to stay at home, dad suddenly
wanted to go to London) we are going to my aunt's, celebrating with my cousins.
I still feel a bit detached but they are sweet people and the food will be good.

Despite my partial detachment I have been feeling oddly Christmassy
in my crafting lately, and I brought nature into the house via moss,
fir branches, boxwood, ivy, hyacinths and larch cones.
I have also gone through ALOT of glitter and glue :)

Instead of a real Christmas tree this year I kept the left over fir
and boxwood from making the door wreath and simply put it in jars.
Together with all the hyacinths they fill the house with that lovely scent of Jul.

Has your home gotten a full Jul make-over yet?
And how will you guys be celebrating the holidays this year?


Thank you, and a favor to ask

 First of all; Thank you so much for all the kind, insightful
and supportive comments on my last post. It took alot for me
to write it and I'm so grateful you guys didn't leave me hanging.
And an extra thank you to those of you who shared about your own
similar and personal struggles - your courage helps me on my way!

Today I had a stressful and important day, for once. I met with my doctor
to renew and possibly change my prescriptions (fingers crossed!),
and I had a joint meeting with social services and the employment
office to go over my needs and limitations in finding a new job.

I think it all went well. Everyone I met with showed understanding
and encouragement. I am supposed to write a list of possible jobs
and work places for when we meet again in January,
and I was told to enlist the help of friends if possible.

So I need to ask you all a favor; What line of work
can you see me doing? What do you feel I am good at?
What are your impressions of my professional strengths?
Any tips would be greatly appreciated!



A Year in the F*cked up Life

Exactly one year ago I posted this picture of myself, one of the very few selfies I have ever shared on this blog. It wasn't a very good time in my life but I did feel pretty, I was at a desired weight and I felt sexy for a brief moment.

I can't remember feeling anything like that since then. In this last year, with dropping my studies, getting on benefits and breaking up with my partner, my eating disorder has spiraled out of control and I have gained close to 15 pounds. There are tons of dresses hanging in my closet that I don't even bother trying on anymore. I had hoped that becoming single again would straighten things out for me a bit, but so far not much has changed. I still can't even look at myself in a mirror.

I know that I'm far from alone in this, many blog friends express frustration about their weight from time to time. Just the other night I had a bit of a heated discussion with one of them on the subject of weight loss and fitness. Even though we can all recognize the struggle, we come at it from different angles and with different experiences - but I also kept it to myself how bad my situation actually is.

I know it's not a popular opinion to express about oneself but - I hate myself and my body. I am almost 40 years old and I am at constant war with my own body. I feel fat and worthless every day, and I use food and drink as a drug to stop from feeling. There, I said it. The cat is out of the bag.



Christmas movie calendar (and a rant)

Not in any particular order (except 1 and 2, which are my two favorites).

1. The Grinch
2. Elf
3. 12 Gifts of Christmas
4. Noel
5. A Christmas Carol
6. Rare Exports (Finnish)
7. Home Alone
8. The Family Stone
9. A Bride for Christmas
10. Arthur Christmas
11. The Polar Express
12. The Holiday
13. While You were Sleeping
14. Bridget Jones's diary
15. Bad Santa
16. Just Friends
17. Krampus
18. A Christmas Tale (French)
19. Fanny och Alexander (Swedish)
20. Tomten är Far till alla Barnen (Swedish)
21. Frozen
22. Love the Coopers
23. En underbar jävla Jul (Swedish)
24. Four Christmases
25. Joyeux Noel (European coll.)

If someone says You forgot "Love actually", I offer you this:

Alan Rickman (57) is married to Emma Thompson (44) (Yes, really!)
but cheats on her with 26-year-old - which of course is all on the
younger woman's initiative. Give me a fucking break.

Hugh Grant (you know, the guy who decided that not only is it ok
to cheat on your wife, but also to pay women to be able to abuse their bodies.)
is 43 and gets involved with a 27-year-old who still lives at home.
To somehow "even the score", every scene the girl is in also is a fat joke.

Colin Firth (43) leaves his girlfriend (28) for a foreign 27-year-old
that he can't even communicate with - but of course she falls
madly in love with his clueless, immature and self-involved self.

Keira Knightley (18 - I'm not kidding - EIGHTEEN) is already marrying
a 26-year-old, but his best friend who is 30 years old is in love with her
and therefore treats her like shit up until he declares his love.
Not so wonderfully romantic now is it..?

Martin Freeman is 7 years older than his much prettier (porn actress)
crush, but in this movie they seem to be the same age, right?

The only woman who is getting it on with a younger man is
Laura Linney (39) and her boyfriend (28), but a male writer/director
would never let that work out and therefore has her feel inferior and leave.

Age is not an issue in the kid couple, but I will point out the fact the the girl
is beautiful and talented, whereas the boy only has to be silly and persistent.

Have I ruined Love Actually for you now? I hope so actually.
We cannot let misogynistic movie makers pull one (or 7) over on us
in the name of "love" or Christmas. Be ever vigilant against sexism!


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