Backstory, and a new story

I used to have a genuine interest in people. I loved to converse with anyone,
experience their brains at work. I took psychology at Uni, years of it actually.
But then life happened. Feeling and experiencing Everything. All the time.
as we Borderlines are wont to do, takes its toll. I needed to somehow distance myself
from the world, but mostly - people. Being an extroverted misanthropist is...complicated.

 That's how I ended up out in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere.
It was the only way to feel remotely safe. But - and really, I always knew this
- I don't want to feel safe. I want something exciting, something to turn my emotions on,
however crazy. Yes, living with this disorder can be hell sometimes, but I have created
some kind of amoeba-like bare existence for myself these past 10 years,
and I can safely say - it sucks. Balls.

Since 5 months back I have a job working for and with both colleagues and strangers,
I have several responsibilities and times to keep - and so far I'm doing quite well.
Turns out; I don't actually suck at everything. I don't have strange melt-downs,
I don't go off on aggressive customers, and I am pretty good at office relations.
The lesson here is obviously: You are your own worst enemy.

Yes, I still have anxiety and insomnia, and no, I won't ever be the sunny girl.
But, I am always evolving, learning new (or old) things about myself and others.
Experiencing the recent upheaval in my employment has taught me that:
1. I actually really like my job, and 2. I deal pretty well with change.
Had you asked me a couple of months ago, I probably wouldn't have said either one.

I want to send a special 'Thank you' to blog friends who keep sharing
through your most difficult moments, inspiring and supporting me
when I feel the need to do so myself, making me push through
my insecurities to stay true. You guys are my True North.


The Darkling Tag

A week ago I was generously tagged by a lovely dark friend, for The Darkling Tag.
Thank you, Franny, for thinking of me! So without further ado:

  • What is your favourite candle scent? We suck at scented candles in Sweden, but from what I've gathered so far it's usually something wintery spicy with a hint of vanilla.
  • Do you have a favourite book? A few, but the one that still lingers for its beautiful yet Spartan prose is 'Catching Shellfish between the Tides'
  • Are you a tea or coffee person? Both. I have a large vanilla latte every morning, but I drink fruity tea all through the day.
  • What is your favourite perfume/cologne? I don't wear perfume, but like with everything else I tend to lean towards spicy vanilla scents.
  • Do you have a celebrity crush? OMG, I had so many in my younger years - Patrick Swayze, Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves... But right now? Hmm, not really.
  • If you could change your name to a stereotypical 90s/2000s gothy name, what would it be? I can't claim to ever really have been a true goth, and Swedish names are just so un-goth ;) Though I always liked the hippie names, like Rain or Autumn.
  • What are your top three tips for surviving hot weather while black clad? We get very little hot weather, thankfully. But even then I'm always the one seeking the shade, never going to the beach - and SUNSCREEN ON NOSE.
  • What song always makes you happy (doesn’t have to be a goth band?) I am a clinically depressed person so you would think that's a hard one but I have a few; I can see clearly now (Johnny Nash). Start Wearing Purple (Gogol Bordello). Trouble (Pink). Single Ladies (Beyonce)
  • Are you active in the arts (eg. Play an instrument, paint, write, etc)? Yes, I call it 'fidgeting' - when you keep your hands busy with creative things - sewing, painting stuff (not canvas), gluing stuff (that's a big one).
  • What is your number one non-gothy hobby? Hmm, gardening?

Thought Provokers:
  • If you could be a supernatural creature, what would it be and why? SUCCUBUS, obviously. I'm a violent, feminist, vengeful and terribly sad creature.
  • What horror monster-bases super power would you have? I always wanted to be invisible, then to be able to morph into any person, like Mystique. But then I heard someone say 'teleporting' and I thought of all the horrible people I could sneak assassin... No. No, I didn't say that.
  • Do you feel confident or comfortable interacting with other Goths or gothy people (online or irl)? Why or why not? Always. I am mostly uncomfortable with the deeply "well adjusted" delusional (and often religious) people. Anything else is welcome in my world, and I am happy to learn from them.
  • Is there something you wish there was more of in your subculture? I have always felt very much alone in just being...well, me. I was a part of a fabulously angry group of feminists once, but with time, circumstance and death, we scattered to the winds. Since then I have had a really hard time finding a 'place' for me. I guess I miss the quirky, bold, intelligent, emotional, well-read and yet single, strong, crazy, adventurous women we were. I will never be a wife and a mother.
  • Care to share an embarrassing story related to your “darkliness”? Never had one, because I never went beyond the imposed limits on appearance. Though I have been called a crazy communist, feminist, lefty several times. But I take that as a compliment.
  • How are you at DIY? Are we talking outfits or interior design - or civil unrest? I would say I'm pretty good at all of them.

Confessional (aka True or False):
  • I love watching cheese romance films. False. No, not really.
  • I ALWAYS remember to wash off my makeup at night. True. Yes, I have terribly dry skin.
  • I sleep with plushies. False. No.
  • I wear non-black pyjamas most nights. Hmm, black, grey, purple.
  • I think Andrew Eldrich is overrated. Don't know who he is.
  • I don’t like vampires. False. I still love vampires.
  • I don’t like clubs. False. I wish there had been more to choose from when I was younger, and I still wish for that. Actually just heard of a club for 50+ opening in my hometown and though; "Wow, great!"
  • I don’t enjoy graveyards. Graveyards in Sweden pretty much suck, but in other places they are beautiful. So I'm neither here nor there.
  • Blood makes me queasy. No, but seeing an open gash in someone I love actually makes me faint, as I learned the hard way.
  • I’d sooner faint than pet a spider. I'd go either way on that too.
  • I don’t like haunted houses. False. I LOVE them.
  • I’ve never read Dracula. False. HAHA, false. Read it several times.
  • I think “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” is a long and boring song. Unfortunately I don't think I know it. Suddenly I feel very un-hipster.

I am supposed to tag fellow darklings now and what I will do is tag fellow country-women
and neighbors; Linnea på Landet, Lesthi and Daughter of a Jaded Era. 



Well. Where did I disappear to this last month..?
I'll tell you: To the land of travel plans!

I am completely overwhelmed. Super excited. Totally getting ahead of myself!
My Halloween dream (previous post) is becoming a reality - for my 40th in October
I will be spending 10 days in NYC and Sleepy Hollow - can you believe it?!

In New York there will be Halloween/vintage/curiosity shopping, visits to horror themed bars
and lots more fun. In Sleepy Hollow I want to see The Horseman's Hollow show, 
and The Great Blaze is already booked. And there will be much frolicking in seasonal outfits.
Best part: If all goes as planned I will be hanging out with 3 or more lovely blog friends!
I also plan to admire the fall foliage and eat myself silly on American foods.

Until then I will be busy working, cuddling with my kitties and watching my pumpkins turn color.
Unfortunately there will only be 2 or 3 this year, because of the miserable summer,
but obviously I have the best October plans so I don't mind too much :)

That piece of good news I mentioned a month ago is that I now have a permanent position!
No more worrying about how to make it through next month, asking my parents for help.
For the time being my life feels pretty stable.

My furry babies are also doing well. Recently they have been enjoying
a couple of late warm days, and little Buffy is turning 1 in a week or so (!)
Time just flies sometimes. Speaking of: Only 73 days left to Halloween!

Sorry for the scatter-brained post this time. I'm completely in day-dreaming land atm.
I hope you guys are having a wonderful summer!


I have a (Halloween) dream

Six years ago, almost to the day, I wrote a blog post about my dream vacation
(see full post below). This was before I had made the lovely blog friends I have today,
before I moved in with my ex and - before I turned 35 (!)

Well, darlings, this year the big 4-0  is coming up, I suddenly have a good income
and visiting my friends (Eastern) stateside is loooong overdue...
So, I have a question - what are you guys up to in October?
Any chance you are free and want to show a girl (well...) around?

When I was younger I traveled a lot, and I spent some time in the States.
I always said that I will go back. Well, I haven't really had a vacation for 2 years now,
and I still haven't gone back.  Now, my birthday is in October,
and Halloween is my favorite time of year, so I have this dream...

My dream vacation starts off with flying into NYC and spending a long weekend
shopping, wining and dining, and indulging in general celebration and pampering :)
Then we'll get a rental car and drive up north, to visit Sleepy Hollow and Salem.
Both towns host a myriad of different Halloween-festivities all through October,
and since they are only a few hours apart I'm thinking of spending at least a week
all dressed up, running through corn-maizes, taking haunted hayrides,
going to glamorous vampire-balls, joining in the parades
and learning about the legends of the two places. Sounds fantastic doesn't it?

Obviously, in my fantasy I am accompanied on this trip by someone equally crazy
about Halloween, and who doesn't mind spending a week dressed in Victorian garb,
but unfortunately I have yet to find this one person...
So, it looks like my plan will have to be pushed into the future,
maybe something for the "big" 35?

Well, until then here's a little inspiration:

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